My First Ten Years Since Swarthmore

In some ways, my life has come full circle in the ten years since shortly after graduating from Swarthmore College. The the buzz cut and goatee have returned, though this time with a little gray, and I’m once again without a full-time job. Though it’s easy to ruminate upon how much more I could have accomplished and all the ways I fell short in the last decade, on the whole, I must say I’ve been rather fortunate, and I want to share some highlights, particularly for the Swatties I’ll be missing at this weekend’s reunion. Here’s what I’ve been up to since June 1999.

• Searching for artistic passion. I loved my time at Swarthmore, but one regret I had was bailing on my Art major after trying to choose the “right” major for a variety of wrong reasons. Unfortunately, an $80,000 Masters at a school offering Fine Arts degrees did not correct for this mistake, probably because I got my degree in Urban Planning. (I’m as mystified as you are.) Returning for a post-bac in Visual Arts at UC Berkeley has simply reminded me of why I quit in the first place: I’m not ready to work so hard at something that still seems self-indulgent and lacks a clear, practical purpose. There’s a contradiction in there I haven’t quite ironed out, and, ten years from now, I’ll probably still be on this journey.
  

  That's me, but is this my life/career/passion?

• Started a non-profit that reaches thousands of kids each year. I devoted most of my time since college–six years, in fact–to City Year, a non-profit organization for young idealists dedicating a year of their lives to service. The first half of my time was as a Manager in Philadelphia, and the second half was as an Executive Director starting up City Year’s local branch in Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina. City Year was a perfect complement to Swarthmore, rounding out an education in critical (over)thinking with daily lessons in getting things done. For someone used to researching, analyzing, and synthesizing unto 30-page 12-point-font perfection, the endless struggle to meet a barrage of goals in variously imperfect ways was hard to handle at times, but such is life at even the best non-profits. Working here, I got more done in a year than I could have done in all ten on 90% of the other paths I might have pursued, and I came out a more mature, well-rounded person. I’m not sure if I’ll get back into non-profit leadership, but the experience I gained at City Year will last the rest of my life.
  

  Getting Things Done at City Year

• Visited almost all of the mainland lower continental National Scenic Parks in the US. 93%, to be exact. Some of you may have traveled more of the world than I have, but I don’t know anyone who has been so lucky as to see so many highlights of this country’s natural splendor. In the lower 48 states, I’ve yet to hit three National Parks, but I’ve checked the other 39–from Olympic National Park (longest trip) to Shenandoah National Park (most frequently visited)–off the list. I hope to hit Alaska and the various island parks in the next ten years. My favorite park? If there were a “Southern Utah National Park,” that’d be it.
  

  Here I am in Boulder, Colorado, with Rufus. Discovering beer after college canceled out any physical benefits of my extensive park travels.

• Three Women. Obviously, no woman defined my life as a young man more than my mother, who passed away in 2000, about a year after I graduated Swarthmore. In retrospect, her death was a gift, as I had an easy excuse to forgive myself if I were not pursuing the most “ambitious” life possible at the time. Unfortunately, I thought this gift expired after a few years, which led me down some less-than-enjoyable paths. On the other end of these ten years, I’ve had the great fortune of meeting Carinne, who is the Absolute Best and will be a defining factor in my life for these next ten years and hopefully more–she is that awesome. However, in this “category” the decade belongs to Stephanie, who was with me through the doldrums of grad school, explored those great parks with me, and was at City Year during both my stints. I thank her for her continued friendship.

Add in an inordinate amount of time playing fantasy sports and you’ve pretty much got the ten years since I graduated in less than 1000 words. You’ve also got all three reasons why I won’t be at the Swarthmore reunion this weekend: 1) Yosemite with 2) Carinne but mostly 3) unemployment. I’ll be there in spirit, and I welcome updates from anyone who wants to share.

Swarthmore’s Athletic Facilities & the Timeless Way of Building

Originally written for Professor Barnett’s Theory and Principles of Urban Design class at the University of Pennsylvania in the fall of 2003.

____________

Ancient, Renaissance (as per Wittkower), Modern (Le Corbusier), and Postmodern (New Urbanist) architects have their own formulations regarding the creation of desirable ensembles of buildings.  Whether they espouse that buildings should be designed according to an underlying idea of proportions, attuned to musical harmonies, organized on superblocks, or arranged around quaint town squares, all of these architectural movements share a common underlying assumption that desirable buildings and ensembles thereof will necessarily adhere to a particular set of proportions and principles that can be clearly articulated.  Christopher Alexander defies most of this by proclaiming that truly desirable buildings adhere not to clearly-stated laws but to the inexplicable “timeless way of building.”  While his pseudo-philosophical delivery is aggravating and his treatment of ensembles of buildings limited, Alexander presents a theory with underlying validity.  This post will discuss the athletic facilities at Swarthmore College as an example of an ensemble of buildings that follow the “timeless way”.  The next post notes some of the problematic elements of Alexander’s “timeless way”.

The athletic facilities at Swarthmore College provide a fine example of a “desirable ensemble” of buildings.  Before any of the facilities were constructed, a lone maroon barn with a gabled roof looked out upon the school’s future playing fields.  Built in 1935 right next to this barn, the Lamb-Miller Field House was the first facility completed, containing an indoor track surrounding basketball and tennis courts and surrounded by weight rooms, locker rooms, and administrative offices.  In Illustration 1, it is quite apparent that the long, low-lying monolith dominates the space in which it resides.  Its situation at the foot of the hill that overlooks the entire township (not seen in the illustration) only adds to the visual weight of the building, as if it has sunk gradually into the ground.  Although the interior is well-designed, making excellent use of its space and clearly fulfilling a number of functional roles, the form of the structure overall does not possess any redeeming or noteworthy features beyond its visual weight, and it was unrelated in form or function to the neighboring barn.

Illustration 1: The Lamb-Miller Field House, Swarthmore College, PA

In 1978, Swarthmore built the Tarble Pavilion, an annex to the field house that tied the scene together.  Illustration 2 reveals a partially-gabled roof atop the pavilion, which relates the structure to the neighboring barn.  Simultaneously, the roof is split down the middle by a cylindrical dome that mirrors the roof of the adjacent field house.  In color, the pavilion also ties the mauve of the field house to the maroon of the barn by averaging the two colors together on its own façade with a mauve-maroon mixture, though the subtle difference between the pavilion’s color and that of the field house is not apparent in the illustrations.  The strong horizontal beige stripe pays homage to the elongated wall of the same color on the field house, but the majority of the pavilion’s wall is painted red like the barn.  In a strange way, the pavilion seems to be the visual result of removing the roof from the field house, placing the barn on top of it, and then placing the roof back on top of the barn.  In sheer volume and height as well, the pavilion brings the barn and the field house together:  It rises above the field house, providing an anchor for it in on the horizon, without which earth certainly would have subsumed the field house by now; yet it does not seem quite as tall as the barn, whose sharply angled roof allows it to exceed its height. Although the rounded skylights provide pleasant lighting for the basketball court within, few of the pavilion’s attributes discussed here are functionally necessary, unless building the connection between two estranged buildings can be understood as a worthwhile task.

Illustration 2: Tarble Pavilion, Swarthmore College, PA

Although clearly a part of the ensemble of athletic facilities, the Ware Swimming Pool, built in 1981, stakes a claim for individuality.  Illustration 3 shows the continuation of the mauve-maroon-red theme, but the beige is lost except in a bit of lining on the edge of the roof.  Perhaps the spire of the roof can be compared to the gabled roof of the barn, but the pool’s situation on the far side of the field house, even depressed into the ground somewhat, eliminates the building’s ability to communicate with the barn or the pavilion in the skyline of the ensemble.  The roof’s wavelets serve instead as an artful representation of the activity occurring inside the building.  Thus, despite tipping its hat to the structures around it, the building takes advantage of its diminutive size and offset situating to make a playful statement that pushes the boundary of the doctrine that function defines form.

Illustration 3: Ware Swimming Pool, Swarthmore College, PA

The quality of the ensemble has become more apparent recently.  A couple years ago, the barn’s paint was removed, revealing the weathered pine underneath.  Now light brown, the barn contrasts poorly with its ensemble neighbors, standing out starkly on the field and constantly drawing the viewer’s eye back to its relatively bright facade.  Ironically the building that pavilion sought to reconcile with the field house has revoked its community and stands steadfastly apart.  In its absence, the formerly coherent ensemble feels glaringly awry.

The Swarthmore ensemble exemplifies Alexander’s “timeless way” of building.  Without careful observation and without the benefit of disruptive change, the athletic facilities blend into each other to the casual passerby.  In going unnoticed, the buildings could in one sense be examples of Alexander’s inexplicable “timeless way”; without knowing why, one simply feels that the buildings are “just right”.  Like a well-spiced dish in which the flavors compliment and balance one another, the facilities bear no notice or complaint.  They have clearly been molded to some extent by the “pattern” of history insofar as they incorporate styles from across the twentieth century.  Yet the individual buildings form a coherent whole, which, while stopping short of inciting the “glow” of life within the viewer, displayed a remarkable sense of balance and integration, hallmarks of the “timeless way.”

Loaded Animus

As the Philemon entry made clear, I really kind of got into bullshit in college. Nobody called me on it until Professor O’Connell in his economic development seminar. Here are his remarks to my third and final paper, when he just couldn’t take it anymore.
____________

Chris,

I have to come clean – I find your style of argument in this paper, while often informative and entertaining, ultimately and cumulatively irritating. Here’s why: you spend 90% of your energies “complexifying” yet in the end your conclusions – from so superior a position – are not only facile but (in your last sentence) self-negating. I can only take a certain number of levels of irony!!

In the end, understadning Kenyan exceptionalism is more important – for Kenyans and Tanzanians – than you make it out; but more importantly decisions have to be made based on the
weight of evidence, not on certainty!*

Prof. O’C A-

* To expand slightly – you write REALLY well, and overall the paper is very good. But really good criticism takes more work than you think.

Katzism

To the Editor:

I have never written a letter like this before, but never before have circumstances urged me into such an impassioned response. I am writing to protest the recent plastering of Communist propaganda around this campus and to urge my fellow students to join me in confronting the totalitarian menace known in these parts as “Katzism.”

“What Communist propaganda?” you may ask. Well, the fact that you do not realize its existence is part of the problem. I refer to the menacing Red banner that scars the pristine wall of Parrish, our oldest and most sacred building. Not only does this Red banner suggest the revival of a form of government that I thought had been eradicated long ago, but its portrayal of one ever-watching face is reminiscent of the “Big Brother” of Orwell’s 1984. Not to mention this face belongs to none other than the notorious would-be Dictator and self-proclaimed deity “Neven Katz.”

Despite the fearsome aspects of this propaganda, perhaps you are wondering what, if anything, could come of this? I will tell you. Katzism has already attracted a large following of Swarthmore students, not to mention “Fords” and “Martyrs” who seek to overrun our campus. These students meet regularly to worship and pay tribute to this one man and they seek to take over our campus, starting with Parrish, the vital nerve center of our precious way of life.

For those of you who understand my concerns, and I am sure that it will be very few of you, for Katzism has already infiltrated the very pores of our thought in indescribable ways, I urge you to band together in protest of this vile form of totalitarian propaganda. We must remember that democracy and capitalism are the greatest social systems to grace humanity, and that there are others like you who will stop at nothing to see the virtues of the free market and entrepreneurial enterprise bless all the people of this earth.

Sincerely,

Chris Flood 99

____________

Grafted from the Phoenix Online.

The Significance of Philemon’s Introduction

A classic piece of bullshit, written in a couple hours the night before it was due (of course)…
____________

The Letter of Paul to Philemon, hereafter Philemon, is one of the shortest and seemingly most insignificant letter of the entire Holy Bible. As my 4′11″ friend Lurah Hess would say, however, length is not everything. If each line of Philemon is carefully examined and considered, we find that the letter is filled with meaning and power. In fact, I will discuss no more than the first three lines of Philemon to prove the entire work’s significance.

Take, for example, the very first line. While at first glance this seems to be merely an introduction of the writer Paul, no more significant than, say, a “Dear Professor Deutsch” placed at the beginning of a letter of correspondence to you from one of your students, this line is filled with hidden meaning. In this line, we find out exactly who the author of this letter is, or who he wishes to be. As with many other letters of Paul and other Pauline writings, we cannot really be sure of the true authorship, but use of Paul’s name here implies that we should read this letter as if we were reading another one of Paul’s writings and that the tone and meaning we find in his other writing can and should be cross-applied here. Moreover, Paul here uses the epithet “prisoner of Christ Jesus” [Philemon 1], which not only implies that he is being held prisoner on account of his relationship with Jesus, but also says something about his relationship with the Lord. By juxtaposing the name of the Lord with a word describing such a lowly state of being, Paul insinuates that perhaps being a prisoner is not such a bad thing. Already we see a hint of what is to come in the letter, as Paul tries to smooth out the relationship between a master and a slave, a relationship that was once originally ugly, but, with the insight and wisdom of Paul, may perhaps become positive. In addition, this epithet implies that a good relationship with Jesus Christ perhaps makes the mortal man in a sense a prisoner. While Paul is a most holy messenger of the Lord, he is also a prisoner. This is an example of a duality that resurfaces elsewhere in the New Testament. Elsewhere we see that Jesus, for example, is a sacrifice of God for man, but he can also be seen as a sacrifice of man to God, to atone for their sins. For the sake of length, I must omit discussion of the significance of the inclusion of Timothy in the introduction, but it is impossible to not discuss to whom this letter is addressed, Philemon, and how it is addressed to him thus. Paul uses the words “our dear friend and coworker” immediately appealing not only Philemon’s sense of friendship toward Paul, but also to his duty as a coworker. With this sort of introduction, Philemon is not only made aware unconsciously of a request that is coming, but also must begin to feel obligated to fulfill it on account of both his friendship and his duty, even if he does not know Paul at all! Once again, as with other examinations of the character of Paul, we find that Paul is quite adept at manipulating his audience, or, in this case, the recipient of his letter.

Since we have found so much of importance in the very first line of this powerful piece, there is little reason not to forge onward. Take, for example, the second line of Philemon, in which the introduction is extended even further. Paul addresses this letter to more than just Philemon, which is interesting considering that the remainder of the letter is, contentwise, written only to Philemon, such that the title of the letter in the New Testament is simplified to The Letter of Paul to Philemon as opposed to The Letter of Paul to Philemon, Apphia , and Archippus. Once again we see the courtesy of Paul adding to his manipulative strength in writing. But it is how he addresses these additional addressees that is truly interesting and meaningful. He refers to Apphia as “our sister” which is not a reference to family but actually an indication of Paul’s true faith in the teachings of Jesus for, elsewhere in the New Testament, Jesus proclaims that every woman is his sister and every man is his brother. Here Paul extends this universality of familial relations to himself and Apphia and even to the rest of the addressees, as he says “our” rather than “my.” It is this universality of the Christian faith that made it so influential in later years and we find that even this small letter is imbued with this attitude. The reference to Archippus as “our fellow soldier” is another noteworthy epithet, for once again we see an allusion to the teachings of Jesus, who, elsewhere in the Gospels, proclaims that he has come with a sword. This imagery of violence and war is fulfilled in this letter of Paul as already we see the followers of Christianity referred to as soldiers. Moreover, this reference serves to strengthen the previous epithet of “our sister” for the proclamation of war made by Jesus also included a discussion of how he would break up families, pitting mothers against daughters and fathers against sons. While this destruction of family might at first seem contradictory to the preceding epithet, we must remember, as I already stated, that the epithet was not truly familial in the sense that Apphia was actually born of the same parents as Paul, but rather familial in a spiritual sense. Thus, the reader who thinks carefully about Paul’s words will think of how Jesus breaks up the “normal” blood-tied family and creates a new spiritual family. Paul’s introduction ties these two stages together in one, actually reversing the order of their occurrence. This reversal is in and of itself quite interesting, for it reveals a significant lack of attention to the linearity of time which continues throughout much of Christian history. Paintings of the Crucifixion, for example, were created in later years to exude a sense of spirituality as if Jesus were being crucified before the viewer’s very eyes. Christian followers had the sense that the holy events of Jesus’ life were happening simultaneously to their own current existence, if “current” can even be used in this discussion. Finally, the addressing of the letter to “the church in your house” is also of great importance. It implies, as this version of the Bible correctly notes, that early Christians worshiped in their homes. This fact says much about the state of affairs at the time of this letter’s writing: Christians were being persecuted right and left by the overwhelming power of the Roman Empire and were forced to worship in secret. This is ironic considering the later reversal of roles in which the Christians became the persecutors, but that is a topic for another paper and has already been written about in many other books. What is relevant for this paper is how these words relate to the words around them to create the overall Christian sensibility that placed this letter in the Bible in the first place. Indeed, this phrase, like the one before it, serves to reinforce the meaning of the previous words. In this case, the image of Christians being persecuted that the phrase brings to mind intensifies the feelings of conflict that the reference to Archippus as a “soldier” implies. The fact that a church can exist in someone’s house also reinforces the ideas of the universality of Christianity, for it makes access to the religion easier. It plays on pagan beliefs in hearth goddesses and door gods of the house, adding even more to the power of the universal message. It thus says not only that yes, you can worship this God in your own home, but also that you can worship this God much without losing many of the same spiritual feelings that you had for your previous deities of the house.

It is, however, the final comment of the introduction that possesses the most singular power. Such a concentration of powerful words cannot be overlooked. Paul continues his manipulatively gracious words with “Grace to you,” extending not only simple courtesy but also a great spiritual greeting to Philemon and his friends. Jesus, elsewhere in the Bible, has been compared to grace, and the use of these kind words expand the introduction into a blessing. How, under such circumstances, could Philemon possibly not fulfill Paul’s request? But there is more! Paul goes on to bestow a wish of peace, though notably not specifically upon Philemon and his friends. Thus, the wish for peace summarily extends beyond Philemon and his friends, perhaps implying a proclamation on Paul’s part that he wishes for peace to reign among all men. Again, this reinforces previous sentiments issued by Paul concerning the conflict between the Christian church and non-Christians. And yet, keeping in mind the lack of linear thought, this wish for peace can also be seen as merely a proclamation of the general sentiment of the Christian faith. Perhaps Paul does not actively advocate here a new peace, but merely utters the term as an expression of what his faith is. Thus, he discusses the present and not the future, as we have come to expect in Christian literature. This foreshadows the coming years in which particularly the work of Revelation has great importance because its followers see the Apocalypse as an event that is always about to occur. Arguments concerning the fact that ten, a hundred, or even two thousand years have passed since the Apocalypse was expected to occur fall not on “stupid” ears, but rather on ears that are enveloped in a faith that propagates the present. The rest of this line is also of great importance, as it stresses the division between God and Jesus Christ, a hint of the beginning concept of the Holy Trinity. Moreover, once again we see the reference to a spiritual family, this time clarified as having God at its head. Indeed, the concept of a humanity in which everyone is a brother or a sister lies entirely upon the idea that there is one who brought forth such a family; in other words, once someone comes to believe that everyone is related to him or her, he or she must believe that everyone came from the same ­ one ­ source, that being the one, supreme God Almighty. So again we see the principle tenets of Christianity subtly woven into Paul’s introduction. And what is there to say about the implications of the words “Jesus Christ?” Certainly, as with many other phrases in this introduction, there are books written about it, and I do not have the room to discuss these works in full detail here. But what does fit into the context of this paper is how these words work with the other words of the introduction. All we need to do is look back at the very first sentence of Philemon, and we see Jesus referred to as “Christ Jesus.” What is the significance of this petty detail, you may ask? This flip-flopping of Jesus’s name reinforces the implications of the duality of the Christian belief. Here we see Paul implying not only that this duality exists but also that it is so influential as to alter our very patterns of speech, recreating the way we see the world.

Thus, as it should be clear by now, there is no shortage of powerful meaning in Philemon, though it is short and seemingly insignificant. Rather, tomes have been written about its content, and merely its introduction teaches us much about early Christian history, Christian faith, and the character of Paul.

WSRN Platform

Gene Turk and I had a vision. We talked it over, wrote it down, and submitted it. We never heard back. Recommended only for those who actually know what WSRN is…
____________

Dear WSRN:

After a six month sabbatical, I would like to present my platform for my reign as General Manager of WSRN. Gene Turk will be accompanying me as the Blues Director, to revive the forgotten tradition of Blues Director Supremacy. Here are our plans for next year.

A. RENOVATING MUSIC DEPARTMENTS (including sample playlists)

Gene and I feel that WSRN listenership would increase dramatically if we cast aside the single most problematic tenet of the WSRN philosophy: playing music nobody else wants to hear. Below are department by department renovations that we want to initiate:

1. TOP-40: This fantastic music type has been long marginalized by the hegemonic alterna-culture of WSRN, and it is time that our listeners were allowed to listen to such classic artists as Madonna, New Kids on the Block, Michael Jackson, Paula Abdul, Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, B52’s, Bangles, Culture Club, Wham, Duran Duran, Cyndi Lauper, Men at Work, Mike and the Mechanics, ABBA, Richard Marx, Rick James, and Phil Collins.

2. JAZZ/SKA: We feel that the Jaz Department music rapes the eardrums. It is time for a change to a softer, more mellow side of this high-quality American music artform, featuring such artists as Quarterflash, No Doubt, The Electric Light Orchestra, Deep Breakfast, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Kenny G

3. CLASSICAL: Unfortunately in today’s modern age, even Public Radio is casting aside this ancient type of music. We realize that there is a constituency of listeners who enjoy this department, but it is time to update their tastes with music from Gershwin, Orchestra 2000, The Benedictine Monks, Later Frank Zappa, World Beat Philharmonic Orchestra, Led Zeppelin, and Star Wars.

4. (RHYTHM and) BLUES: Sadly, the Blues Department has consistently overlooked the modern and clearly superior developments of its musical style. Gene will lead the revolt by bringing back such artists as Boyz II Men, Whitney Houston, Robert Cray, Mary J. Blige, Natalie Cole, Babyface, En Vogue, R. Kelly, Mariah Carey, Michael Bolton, Aladdin.

5. (ALTERNATIVE) ROCK: The “Rok” Department will be divided in two. The Alternative section will play such phenomena as Garbage, Nirvana, REM, Counting Crows, Third Eye Blind, Bush, Wallflowers, Matchbox 20, Smashing Pumpkins, Presidents of the United States of American, Everclear, and the Cranberries.

6. (REAL) ROCK: Real men miss such classic bands as Winger, Aerosmith, Van Halen, Great White, Billy Idol, Guns ‘N’ Roses, Slaughter, Skid Row, Warrent, Poison, Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, White Snake, and R.A.T.T. It is time we had the opportunity to listen to these great bands again.

7. HIP-HOP: Rather than continuing to cater to the mindless sell-outs of the Hip-Hop generation, Gene and I want WSRN to play some of the true artists: Vanilla Ice, Puff Daddy, Coolio, M.C. Hammer, Arrested Development, Girardo, Kris Kros, Milli Vanilli, Salt N Peppa, TLC

8. FOLK: Although this new department has enjoyed some success recently, Gene and I feel that even this department can be updated: James Taylor, Elton John, Indigo Girls, Fiona Apple, Tori Amos, Paula Cole, and Tom Petty.

9. WORLD/NEW AGE: No more of these unknown bands! We want Bob Marley, Sepultura, Living Colour, Oasis, Rusted Root, Yanni, and John Tesh.

10. TALK: The purpose of this department is to stir up controversy, and with the more acceptable music, we will be able to push the limits of this underused department, with such revolutionary talk shows as “The Red Tide,” “Howard Stern Sings the Blues,” “The Daily Gazette Speaks,” “Josh Kramer Preaches the Truth,” Live Coverage of ML 3rd Video Game and Laser Tag Championships, “Inside Mediation: Exclusive Recordings of the Hottest ‘Issues’ on Campus”

B. A REVOLUTION IN TECHNOLOGY

Gene and I feel that WSRN has made tremendous steps recently in developing a technological foundation worthy of the twentieth century. It is time to build upon this with cutting-edge equipment, examples of which follow.

1. Increase the power of WSRN broadcasting signal.

2. Increase range of WSRN broadcasting signal by connecting antenna to SEPTA Regional Rail Line.

3. Broadcast campus events such as Football games, concerts, the Annual Pterodactyl Hunt, NCAA Basketball, Budget Committee Meetings with new on-site state-of-the-art recording equipment.

4. Neon sign depicting the call-letters of WSRN to be placed next to the American flag atop Parrish Hall.

5. Express elevator to the fifth-floor of Parrish Hall.

6. Loudspeakers in Sharples.

7. Walkie-talkie system in the studio so we can get the latest breaking news on ville kid arrests from Public Safety.

8. Passwords to TRIPOD Check-out system so reserve book hoggers and their victims can be called to the neutral ground of the station to resolve their conflicts.

9. Computerized scheduling system which allows DJs to apply over for the web and Directors to design “bugs” that will blacklist unwanted DJs.

C. MORE PUBLICITY THAN EVER BEFORE

Of course, these transformations will be meaningless if we do not have to publicity to advertise them. The following changes will be made to our publicity approach:

1. Create new Carts and posters with such comments as “WSRN: Only the Greatest Hits of the ’80’s and ’90’s.” and “Coming up: Another Twenty Minutes of Your Favorite Songs”

2. Invest in a WSRN-Mobile.

3. Broadcast a pool-party and bikini contest at Ware Pool.

4. Give away tickets to the next talk in the Economics and Public Policy Lecture Series.

5. Invite James Brown to play in Lang.

6. Get Ben of the McCabe front desk to listen to WSRN.

7. Get the DJs to listen to WSRN.

I hope that you will see the ultimate rationale behind this platform and make the right decision in your vote. Thank you for your time.

Tim’s Screw

This is stupid. Really stupid.

Basically, our “buddy” Tim had to perform this poem and the antic described therein in order to meet his blind date. He was dressed in green.
____________

RECITE IN A LOUD VOICE:

When my long tongue doth flick
To it puny insects shall stick
Oh so tasty!
I must lick my chops.

HOP.

My cousin trivatitus
Has a touch that is poisonous
But it’s my love t’will
Make your heart stop.

HOP.

The truth in my case is
I love warm, moist places
It is there that I
Frolic and play.

HOP.

But your love is like water.
To me there’s no other.
Without it I’ll die
With my legs asplay.

HOP.

My athletic ability
Is matched only by virility.
My thighs are both
Muscular and strong.

HOP.

So give me chance,
Take me to Screw Dance.
With my love
You sure can’t go wrong.

(Repeat until you are asked about some ‘”‘golden balls.’”‘ Then turn this over to the other side.)

RECITE:

I may be cold-blooded,
But my heart is flooded
With the warm love
That I feel for you.

But from a frog
Who doth leap
A gold ball’s not cheap
More costly even is two.

There is an old froggy tale
That goes ‘long with this sale
So listen close
To what you must do.

I most like to sleep
Both peaceful and deep.
Thus I leave my
Hypnosis to you.

A belly of this size
Shall loftily rise
Caress it with
Strokes, not a few.

Lay down on your back, Tim.

So disarm my mind
Rub my belly; you’ll find
That you have
A hot date for screw.

Take it like a man , Tim.
Then give her the balls.

I give you this token
My resolve has been broken
I wish to have
Tadpoles with you.

With but a kiss on my cheek.
You’ll find the prince that you seek.
This slimy frog-king
Will be born anew.

END OF SCREW

The Wildebeest

I don’t know why I have kept this exchange around. These notes were posted in the bathroom between 4115 and 4116 of the Mary Lyons dormitory early during our freshmen year. Basically, this is posted purely in case Rufus or I ever want a free chuckle (at Roberto’s expense…even though I was probably the wildebeest…). Nobody else could possibly be expected to find any humor whatsoever in this.
____________

A Note to
Charles B. Clean
We deeply resent your blatant attack on our collective right to clean our body parts in whatever manner we desire, be it with or without our thumbs up our anal tracts. We also object to your use of profusely vulgar language to communicate ideas that can easily be stated with more mundane and culturally acceptable terminology. Your continued assault on our cleanliness and methods of stimulation is an affront to our dignity. Elephant guns are for elephants. If you would rather be in Africa or another wildebeast breeding ground, we will gladly deport you. We have friends. if you cannot face us without attempting to hide your lack of self-esteem behind animal insults including an exotic weapon, then you have no place in our commune. Compliance with our demands is required to avoid ostracization. This is your final warning.
Sincerely,
____________

A Note to the
Honorable & Respectable
MR. CLEAN
Dear Mr. Clean,
We, the “Wildebeasts” of 4114 & 4115, appreciate your unbridled concern for maintaining a clean environment conducive to appropriate waste management. We did not realize that you do not thoroughly enjoy our communal gifts, and we apologize for any inconvenience we have caused. Thank you for alerting us to your exotic preferences. We realize that it may be the custom to insult those who are different from you by calling them ‘”‘Wildebeasts,’”‘ but we here at Swarthmore avoid such lack of sensitivity. We would appreciate it if you would maintain an open mind and communicate your problems in an appropriate manner.
Sincerely,

Rufus
Robert
Chris
Elijah